Monday Motivating Mindset

THE HYPE

This weeks Motivating Mindset will unveil the truth behind your behaviour and set you free from the invisible prison you might be living in.


THE CHALLENGE

Your Mindset challenge this week is getting in the habit of asking yourself:

"Am I willing to accept this set-point?"


THE PROMISE

Ask yourself this question before as many thoughts, feelings or activities as you can and you'll gain invaluable insight into your behaviour.


THE TIPS

You may or may not have heard the term "set-point" before, perhaps in the context concerning weight loss.

According to Merriams-Webster online dictionary a set-point is defined as: the level or point at which a variable physiological state (as body temperature or weight) tends to stabilize.

When you are young and still growing your weight increases accordingly, until you reach the point in which your weight stabilizes and tops out.

From this set-point you are likely to fluctuate up and down in small amounts say about 5-10lbs pounds.

Chances are high that you have been around the same weight for as long as you can remember right?

No matter how hard you consciously exercise and diet to achieve your "ideal" weight, your set-point regulates and governs your "actual" weight.

Your set-point should be the prime suspect for the yo-yo'ing because over time it will do whatever it takes to get back to its comfort zone.

Just like a thermostat in a house your set-point runs independent of the temperature outside, it only can regulate it inside.

So if you are in the middle of winter and turn your thermostat off, it has no idea that your house will be freezing, it's just listening to your command.

Similarly set-points don't always act in our best interest.

The nature of your set point is regulatory and isn't necessarily in-line with the natural growth instinct and ideals of your higher-self.

Therefore it is your set-point and not your higher-self that will attempt to foil even your most earnest efforts.

If you want to be warm in winter but your thermostat is shut off, then you'll probably freeze despite your best efforts to heat your house with matches, stove, gas, candles, hot water etc...

If left unchecked a set-point could keep you playing small, satisfied with the status quo and have you settle for a life of mediocrity.

So how do you end this vicious cycle of set-point self-sabotage?

For starters, by asking yourself, "Am I willing to accept this set-point?"

Nothing happens without reason, everything has an input and an output.

If you are not willing to accept your current set-point then you must be willing to change your cause.

You must be ready, willing and able to change your cause or input if you expect a different output or result.

Another question you might want to follow up with initially is "how has this set-point" contributed to bettering my being?

A set-point will either have a positive or a negative effect on your energy, vibrations and feelings.

Does the set-point reflect balance, harmony, truth, joy or moderation?

Does it feel happy, natural and in the flow?

Write down all the positive and negative outputs that have resulted from that set-point.

Once you have written them down take a look at your inputs and outputs and ask yourself "Am I willing to accept this set-point?"

One of the most empowering realizations that you can have is experiencing the fact that you actually can change your set-point.


THE SECRET

When it comes a set-point there are many more than just the one that influences your weight.

If you aren't sure if or how set-points affect you just take look in your physical world for clues.

Your set-point will tend to surface and show up in the physical world whenever energy and attention are added to the equation.

Your physical world reflects most of your set-points, although not every set-point will necessary surface or be easy to identify.

For example it is nearly impossible 100% accurately distinguish between an introvert and an extrovert based solely on exterior clues.

However, one thing that's for certain is behind each one of your behaviours is a set-point.

Your set-point controls and influences your choices based on your self-image and beliefs.

Do you continually measure your self, or self-image, against others?

Do you believe yourself to be inferior or superior to other people?

Neither efforts are beneficial because they are both merely illusions.

You cannot compare yourself to others because you cannot be them, it's like comparing the growth of an apple to an orange.

The most qualified person capable of being the very best person you can be is naturally only you.

Therefore the other measuring stick to truthfully hold yourself up to is against your higher self.

Ask yourself "Am I willing to accept this set-point?" in regards to living your highest vision.

Are you doing, creating, loving or behaving to the level in which you are truly capable?

Are you continually finding new ways to grow and become more like your higher-self?

Do you feel that when it comes to your life that you have a lot of choices and options?

Your choices and options are reflected by the amount of money and degree of freedom you experience.

If you don't feel you have a lot of money, freedom, options or choices then you probably aren't stretching your set-points regularly.

That's because the more that you raise and challenge your set-points the more options and choices you will earn as a result.

You are either conscious or subconscious in regards to each one of your set-points.

Only when you become consciously aware of an incompetency can you then strive to become more competent.

As you become more competent and confident in your set-points your performance will get better.

As you perform better over time you will become unconsciously competent of that specific task, technique, or trait.

Then you can free up your time and mental energy to focus on the next set-point of interest.

As you work through these set-points record them on paper or a journal, it will prove helpful later as a reference and reminder.

To start a new journey of inner growth and change ask yourself, "Am I willing to accept this set-point?"

Monday Motivating Mindset

THE HYPE

This weeks Motivating Mindset will put a new spin on the way you think long-term about your life.


THE CHALLENGE

Your Mindset challenge this week is getting in the habit of asking yourself:
"What am I giving up by seeing only the short term?"


THE PROMISE

Ask yourself this question during as many decisions as possible this week and you will begin to see life from more of a long-term perspective.


THE TIPS

A great question to ask the next time you are faced with a decision that you must weigh the consequences is "What am I giving up by seeing only the short term?"

The point of this question is to get you to consider both the short and long-term implications of your decision.

Many times we hastily make rash decisions without considering the effects until after it's too late, or sometimes not considering them at all.

For example, if you were offered a choice between having $1,000 cash in your pocket this very moment or waiting a full year and receiving $1,500, the majority of people would go with the quick money.

What would you choose?

90% of people would choose the smaller amount even though they would get 50% more if they waited and even when they had to do nothing in addition to claim the larger amount.

How does this play out when it comes to saving and investing your money?

The person who picks the $1,000 is more likely to have less savings and investments than the person who chooses to wait for the $1,500.

While there is nothing inherently wrong with choosing the smaller amount to enjoy sooner, the long-term implications of choosing this, means that over time you will find it more and more difficult to choose the larger amount later.

We are constantly building neural networks in the brain, hard-wiring the brain with choices and decisions into associations and identities.

An identity is simply a pattern of thought that you have bought over a period of time.

By continually focusing on a smaller result you may receive the reward sooner but in reality you are strengthening a long-term identity that will hold you hostage and keep you playing small.

This is because when left to it's own choice, the mind has the tendency to want to do the minimal to get by, to avoid rocking the boat and to stay in your comfort zone.

What this translates into is the automatic sacrifice of long-term rewards for a short-term gains.

An example that illustrates this is picturing a hockey game where one team is 100% motivated by defense and no one ever attempts to score on the other team.

While this strategy (if you want to call it one) would lead to short term results, i.e. feeling good that the other team would have a very tough time scoring, the long-term implications are that they would never win a game because they are ignoring the bigger picture and not doing what it takes to win.

How often are you faced with situations that play out like this hockey game?

How often do you continue to allow yourself to play defense only, to not take risks and try and score a goal?

For example, if you are currently single it may seem easier not to talk to that handsome man you run into at the supermarket every week.

It may seem easier not to expose yourself to the possibility of being rejected or having to participate in an awkward conversation.

However, ask yourself "What am I giving up by seeing only the short term?" to help you break-free of the tendency to remain in your comfort zone.

Perhaps answering the question in this example you might come up with answers such as: "I am giving up the chance to find a significant other" or "I am giving up the potential of meeting my future husband, the father of my kids, or passing by the companion I've been searching for all my life".

When you come up with answers adopted from a long-term perspective it helps reframe the current situation and make new decisions.

Taking time to consider new answers and information is important if you are looking to break-free from an old habit.

In life you have a choice, either attempt to acquire something smaller sooner or wait to develop something that is larger later.

Apply this weeks motivating mindset to areas such as relationships, finances and weight loss and you will be surprised at what type of long-term results you can achieve.


THE SECRET

If you aren't growing in an area of your life then by the contrary you must be dying.

Who would you like to grow yourself into? What areas of your life are important to you? Where are your values placed?

If you aren't sure who, what or where a good starting place is to examine your current history, results and actions.

How do you spend your time right now? Where have you been placing your energy, attention and focus?

Answer this question openly and honestly and you will shed some light on what is most important to you right now.

After you're aware of your life values your next goal is to ensure you devote the proper time and attention to supports these areas.

Developing patience with yourself and with the people that you care about is just as important as experiencing the actual growth itself.

Continually asking yourself the question "What am I giving up by seeing only the short term?" helps you realize the validity behind the saying "patience is a virtue"

Beware that time is an ongoing illusion that is capable of hiding the small steps we take and the incremental growth we make.

It is easy to make the mistake of believing that you haven't accomplished anything.

It is easy for the results of your efforts to be obscured by the present reality.

Understand that your present reality is merely a reflection of the choices you made previously in your past years, months and days.

In order for your new decisions to take affect and to see external results, you must patiently wait for days, months and even possibly years.

Keep in mind that just because you cannot see the change happening doesn't mean it isn't.

For instance, have you ever seen first-hand the drift between the continental plates?

What about ever witnessing your fingernails growing?

You probably didn't notice either because they both happen at an average growth rate of 0.1 mm each day (1 centimeter in 100 days).

Yet these forces continue to happen undetected as we speak and one day, sooner or later, you may be forced to respond to this growth.

You will probably choose to cut your fingernails when they get too long or there may be an earth quake or tsunami from the plate tectonics colliding.

Seen or unseen everyday life is unfolding before your very eyes.

The direction that your life unfolds takes place in the small and seemingly unimportant choices that you make every day.

Take a moment to write down the skills, talents and higher visions that are unfolding inside of you right now.

You may have heard the say that "Rome wasn't built in a day" well neither should the gifts that you offer the world.

Buying into rewards that are smaller sooner is only an illusion and is not a shortcut that leads to long-term success.

Ask yourself "What am I giving up by seeing only the short term?" to help you realize your long-term vision.

Monday Motivating Mindset

THE HYPE

This weeks Motivating Mindset will help you live with more fun, appreciation and a better overall attitude.


THE CHALLENGE

The Mindset challenge I am proposing this week is getting in the habit of asking yourself:

"What three people have contributed most to my success?"


THE PROMISE

Ask yourself this question and you will uncover important life lessons, discover new opportunities and attract exciting people into your life.


THE TIPS

Before you begin your day today ask "What three people have contributed most to my success?"

The follow up questions could be "What specifically did they teach me?" and "How as their teaching benefited my life?"

Think back to your teachers, your parents and your family. What about the people you have worked with, the new friends you've met, old friends you've reconnected with? How about a spouse or a loved one? A work mentor, manager or colleague?

A good test to determine whether the person you are thinking of is in your top three, ask yourself "Where would I be today if I did not learn ______ from this person?"

If you would still be essentially the same person, then perhaps search for someone who possibly has made a more meaningful or significant contribution to your life.

If you would not be where you are today or who you are today as a direct result of dealing with this person then there's a good chance that they rank in your top three.

Try and come up with at least three people, even if this exercise takes a couple days to really think through. You may however have many more than three top teachers, in fact, this is going to be more likely as you get more and more successful.

People who are a success become successful by walking on the shoulders of giants. What that means is that successful people, before becoming a success realize the importance of standing on the shoulders of the people that they respect and admire.

In fact, here is a brief list of famous mentor - mentee relationships that you might recognize:

Huey Lewis mentor to Bruce Hornsby
Don Henley mentor to Sheryl Crow
Mel Gibson mentor to late Heath Ledger
Maya Angelou mentor to Oprah Winfrey
Stevie Wonder mentor to India.Arie
Earl Nightingale mentor to Bob Proctor
Socrates mentor to Plato
Mark O'Meara and Butch Harmon mentors to Tiger Woods

Did a couple of those names you just read surprise you? Yes, mentoring has been around since before Socrates and Plato and some of the most successful people in the world have mentors.

Why does the greatest golf player in the history of the sport require mentors and coaches?

The world's most successful people have long realized that the more people that they learn from the better and faster that they will grow. It is impossible to make all the mistakes you need to learn all in your own lifetime so leverage the lessons of others to skyrocket your success.


THE SECRET

There is no "right" or "wrong" answer because the person and premise is completely decided upon by you. If you don't feel someone is worthy of mention, then simply don't mention them.

The truth is that we ALL have something to learn from one another. Every person that comes into your life, whether yesterday, today or tomorrow has something to teach you.

Try and get in the habit of finding a "Sensei of the Day". Sensei is a Japanese word meaning teacher, so Sensei of the day is simply a Teacher of the Day.

Every relationship that we hold with our self reflects an agreement about the nature of the relationship that we have made with ourselves.

Learn from the people that are in your life whether you perceive them to be a positive or negative influence.

If you feel that they are a positive influence try to identify one or two areas that they do well in and implement a similar strategy into your life. Don't be afraid to approach someone that you admire and ask them for some quick words of advice. All successful people had help along the way, the more you ask for it the more you can receive.

If you feel that they are a negative influence try to identify one or two reasons why you think they are behaving or acting out in this manner and gain understanding as to what specifically bothers you about their actions. This is a contrast to what you do like, but sometimes we need to know what we don't like in order to help determine what we do. The next time you find someone demonstrating a behaviour you don't like, silently thank them for the gift of awareness of contrast and endeavour never to act like them.

When you become thankful for the people that are in your life you naturally start to attract more of them to be thankful for. Appreciate the lessons of life and the teachers they come from and you will be ripe and ready for relationship riches!

Monday Motivating Mindset

THE HYPE

This weeks Motivating Mindset will help sky-rocket your confidence and success.


THE CHALLENGE

The Mindset challenge I am proposing this week is getting in the habit of asking yourself:

"What did I learn?" or said differently, "How did I grow?"


THE PROMISE

Ask yourself this question after every activity or challenge you do every day this week and the promise is that you will gain insight, build self-esteem and celebrate more wins in the game of life!


THE TIPS

Self-talk is the name for the dialogue that all of us hear talking inside of our heads.

The voices can sometimes be encouraging in nature, however for most people their self-talk seems to be a negative chatter.

Some people call this negative chatter the "mono loco" or crazy monkey inside their head. Other people have used the analogy of an "Angel" and a "Devil" on your shoulder, whispering "good" or "bad" things into your ear.

How often do you recall hearing these voices? For most of us it is all of the time.

You will usually hear the voice try and stop you before you start a job, while you are working on the task and even when you have completed the work.

The voice will sound like fear, doubt and uncertainty which if listened to will leave you feeling weak, afraid and powerless.

The voice tends to take away our personal power from the situation, it will tell you what is missing and what you could have done differently instead to make it better.

The crazy monkey is never satisfied and it usually looks for perfection.

Winning first place, breaking new ground, shattering new personal records and undertaking new adventures do not matter to the crazy monkey. The mono-loco wants you to fail so it can remain safe and unchanged inside of you.

Listening to the monkey's self-talk will leave you weak, tired, frustrated and feeling like a failure no matter if you just finished winning a Gold in the Olympics.

Next time when the monkey comes to chat regarding your experiences, ask yourself today's question... "What did I learn?" or "How did I grow?" and it will help you find the "wins" in your world.

Finding and celebrating the small victories helps ensure you are focused on the elements of an experience that will allow you to grow.

Even if the only thing you figure you have found out is a new way of doing something "wrong" then asking yourself today's question will help find a way to reframe the situation so that you feel good about it.

The more you ask yourself these questions the more you will develop a mental database of memories in which you are a winner.

The more instances and examples you have in the back of your mind where you learned something the more you will feel like you are growing with each new experience.

Self-esteem is basically how you like, trust and respect yourself, and in life the more you build a base of learning and growth the more you feel confident to handle new situations.


THE SECRET

The secret to instilling today's habit to build a life of confidence and adventure is by keeping track of your progress.

You can keep track of your progress many different ways such as:

Writing it online such as a web blog or video blog. Keeping track by e-mailing yourself or recording a video to your blog whenever you come across a win.

Do you carry a cell phone with you most of the time? Why not try to text message yourself notes as they happen? You could also use the "notes" feature that is found in most mobiles.

You can also use good old fashion sticky notes or can create a special "winners" journal for yourself to record all your victories.

Feel free to experiment to find the method and combination of tools that work best for you.

Your job is to log all instances of winning and answers to the questions so that you will have a diary or record of your achievements.

If you ever feel like a loser all you need to do is revisit your journal for a whole history of wins.

After asking yourself the questions and recording the answers your final job is to party!

Celebrate your growth along every step of the way because your growing should be the adventure of your lifetime not the destination.

Monday Motivating Mindset

THE HYPE

Apply today's Motivating Mindset and you will gain power and confidence in dealing with any fears that hold your life back.


THE CHALLENGE

The Mindset challenge I am proposing this week is getting in the habit of asking yourself:

"Is It True?"


THE PROMISE

Ask yourself this question every chance you get every day this week and the promise is that you will gain courage and grow greatly in the areas of reasoning and emotional control.


THE TIPS

The seeds of fear, worry and doubt grow to produce pain, drain and anxiety.

The good news is that fear, worry and doubt are beliefs... and you can still choose your beliefs.

If you can choose your beliefs then you can change them.

A belief is basically an evaluation of information relating to a person, place or thing.

You can always change your evaluation of something by considering new information.

The best way to gain new insight when feeling the same fear, worry or doubt is to ask yourself:

"Is It True?"

Reflect further with questions such as:

Is this situation true? Is this the only way of adding up the facts? What are all of the facts?

Fears, worry and doubt are often evaluations of information that are incomplete, inaccurate and incorrect.

What beliefs have you accepted that perhaps aren't true?


THE SECRET

Unfortunately there is no easy way to determine what information that we accept as part of our lives and use to make decisions with has been completely misinterpreted.

Gently laugh at yourself for fostering your limiting-beliefs and give yourself the present of presence when consciously choosing not to continue feeding false fabrications.

Questions to follow up with are: "How do I know this is true?" and "Could I be making any false assumptions?"

The questions are only as good as the answers that you come up with.

You must be willing to gain new information if you want to move past old thought processes.

Your fear, your worry and your doubt all reside in belief systems that you can rebuild and renovate to rule.

"There is nothing to fear except the persistent refusal to find out the truth, the persistent refusal to analyze the causes of happenings." --- Dorothy Thompson

All you need to do is change the way you evaluate something, because then you also change the way you feel about it.

When you change the way you feel about something, even just a little bit, your belief about it has also changed.

Remember to celebrate the small wins in your belief breakthroughs.

You are stronger and more powerful than you can believe.

Seek the truth.

Ask and thou shall find.

Monday Motivating Mindset

THE HYPE

By taking the application of today's Motivating Mindset you will live a life that is more purposeful.


THE CHALLENGE

The Mindset challenge I am proposing this week is getting yourself in the habit of asking yourself the following question:

"How many days left?" or asked differently... "Could today be my last?"


THE PROMISE

Do this every day for this week and the promise is that you will make giant strides towards living with less regret and more purposefully!


THE TIPS

Today's question refers to the number of days you have remaining in your life.

Do you know how many days left on this Earth you have left?

Unfortunately while no calculator or person can ever give you the exact answer, the answer could come today, a week from today, or many many years from today.

Regardless of whether you accept it or not, the fact is that we all must return to sender one day.

The sooner that you accept and deal with the fragility of life the sooner you will be on your way to improving your life.

It may seem like a grim outlook to start your Monday but don't be mistaken, only those who have understood and accept this fully can take control and power back into their lives.

In fact, understanding and accepting this question allows you to immediately create more purpose and passion in your life.

The more you fully accept that your time here is finite the more that you will strive to live your life to the maximum.

You live to the maximum when you pursue your hearts desires.

You live with heartbreak when you don't fully live your life.


THE SECRET

Try asking yourself this question at the beginning and end of the day.

Keep asking this question when you find yourself in conflict with other people.

Are you communicating with others the way you would spend your time and energy if you knew it was your last day?

How can you treat people you come across today as if this was the last time you were ever going to spend time with them?

How would you like your friends, family and loved to remember their last moments with you?

You have the ability to treat each day as if it were your last. What is stopping you from doing this?

Reflect on This...

I am willing to put myself through anything; temporary pain or discomfort means nothing to me as long as I can see that the experience will take me to a new level. I am interested in the unknown, and the only path to the unknown is through breaking barriers, an often-painful process. --Diana Nyad


Question:
How do you deal with the temporary discomfort that happens when you are in danger of stretching your comfort zone? What process, mechanism, or ideal allows you to perservere past those initial growing pains?

Overcoming Challenges With Creative Thinking

* Overcoming Challenges With Creative Thinking
By Thom Scott

How many times have you caught yourself saying that there could be no other solution to a problem - and that that problem leads to a dead end? How many times have you felt stumped knowing that the problem lying before you is one you cannot solve? No leads. No options. No solutions.

Did it feel like you had exhausted all possible options and yet are still before the mountain - large, unconquerable, and impregnable? When encountering such enormous problems, you may feel like you're hammering against a steel mountain. The pressure of having to solve such a problem may be overwhelming.

Lighten up! There might be some hope yet! With some creative problem-solving techniques you may be able to look at your problem in a different light. And that light might just be the end of the tunnel that leads to possible solutions.

First of all, it is vital that you re-frame your problem as a challenge. Doing so will equip you with hope of a successful outcome versus the hopelessness of having an unsolvable problem. This positive mindset will enable your mind to recognize potential solutions that you would not otherwise see before you.

This is really no different from a baseball player who experiences the success that they've already envisioned, versus the player who gets themselves in a "slump" because they've determined that "they can't hit against a lefty, or aren't able to compete without steroids, etc..." It may sound simplistic, but Henry Ford couldn't have been more profound when he talked about one of the vital keys to success, "Whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right!" Now that we believe our challenge can be solved, we are free to be more creative in overcoming it.

Number one; maybe the reason we are having difficulty overcoming our challenge is that we have not taken a hard look at what the challenge really is. Here, trying to understanding the challenge and having a concrete understanding of its workings is integral to overcoming it. If you know how it works, what the issue really is, then you have a better foundation towards reaching a successful conclusion.

Look at all sides of the challenge including the positives that may lie within it. I've been told that the Chinese symbol for "threat" is the same symbol used to express "opportunity." How true this can often be. Try to identify the participating entities and what their relationships with one another are. Take note of the things you stand to gain and stand to lose from the current challenge. Now you have increased your possibility thinking. With this type of thinking, someone who is in debt may think of ways in which to amass a fortune, rather than just focus on the struggle to get back to ground zero.

Number two; try to take note of all of the constraints and assumptions you have about solving your challenge. Sometimes it is these assumptions that obstruct our view of possible solutions. You have to identify which assumptions are valid and which assumptions should be discarded.

Number three; try to solve the challenge in small chunks. Solve it going from general view towards the more detailed parts of the challenge. This is called the top-down approach. Write down a positive question about your challenge, and then come up with a one-sentence solution to that question. It will likely be a large goal that you may still have trouble envisioning yourself accomplishing. But, from here you can develop the solution further, breaking it down to the step-by-step daily actions that will set you on the road to success over your challenge. Our friend, Jeff Olson, addresses this subject better than anyone I know in his book, "The Slight Edge - Secret to a Successful Life."

Number four; although it helps to employ critical thinking to solve challenges, you must also keep a creative voice at the back of your head. When you or someone else comes up with a prospective solution, try first to think how you could make that solution work versus thinking of the ways that it won't. Suspend your analysis and critical thinking until you have developed your list of possible, not necessarily probable, solutions. You will then be able to go through this list and, more or less, rank the probability of which solution will pay off. You will be able to choose the best solution from several possible ones versus straining to come up with the perfect one immediately.

This "Ready, Fire, Aim" approach is one of the secret keys to true creativity. Sure, you miss the mark more often than not - and more often than most people. But, you will also come up with far more creative solutions and ideas than anyone else as well. I employ this technique every day - whether I am coming up with a headline for a new advertising campaign, or attempting to overcome a business mistake or challenge.

Number five; To get outside your own paradigm, it's often good to get outside yourself. This involves enlisting a trusted friend, colleague or mentor who can, perhaps, look at your challenge from a completely different perspective. This is especially true when the person you're talking to has had experience solving challenges similar to yours. You don't have to be a solo superhero to solve the problem. Organizing and evaluating collective thoughts on a subject is often much more powerful.

Number six; be patient. As long as you persevere, there is always a chance that a solution will present itself. When it comes to overcoming a challenge, the ability to get up, dust yourself off and try again - a different way - will ALWAYS make you successful in the end.

Number seven; Employ creative thinking exercises to help yourself become a better problem solver. Here is just one you can practice. Take a piece of paper and write any word that comes to mind at the center. Now look at that word then write the first two words that come to your mind. This can go on until you can build a tree of related words. This helps you build analogical thinking skills which further your ability to think of multiple solutions to your challenges.

So, think you may be facing a problem that has no solution? Think again, start by re-framing your problem as a challenge and go through the steps I mentioned in order to open up the floodgates of possibility in all areas of your life.

(More articles by Thom are available on his blog at )

Life Would Be Easy... If It Weren't for COMMUNICATION Differences by Connie Podesta

Life Would Be Easy... If It Weren't for COMMUNICATION Differences by Connie Podesta

Sometimes it seems that folks just don't get it. No matter what you say or how you say it, they simply don't have a clue - and don't seem too worried about getting one either! It's not their nature to understand; that's just how they "are." Maybe so, but more often than not, the problem is a result of a communication breakdown.
In this digitally inter-connected world, you'd think we could "fix" such basic differences. Unfortunately, it's not as easy as plugging another device into the system. Maybe they're the problem. Maybe you are. We all know difficult people - and, in fact, we can all be the difficult person.

A little background on communication styles can help us understand the issues and learn how to alter our approach to eventually make life a little easier for both parties.

The Basics

Every time we speak, we choose and use one of four basic communication styles: assertive, aggressive, passive and passive-aggressive.

Assertive Communication

The most effective and healthiest form of communication is the assertive style. It's how we naturally express ourselves when our self-esteem is intact, giving us the confidence to communicate without games and manipulation.

When we are being assertive, we work hard to create mutually satisfying solutions. We communicate our needs clearly and forthrightly. We care about the relationship and strive for a win/win situation. We know our limits and refuse to be pushed beyond them just because someone else wants or needs something from us. Surprisingly, assertive is the style most people use least.

Aggressive Communication

Aggressive communication always involves manipulation. We may attempt to make people do what we want by inducing guilt (hurt) or by using intimidation and control tactics (anger). Covert or overt, we simply want our needs met - and right now! Although there are a few arenas where aggressive behavior is called for (i.e., sports or war), it will never work in a relationship. Ironically, the more aggressive sports rely heavily on team members and rational coaching strategies.

Passive Communication

Passive communication is based on compliance and hopes to avoid confrontation at all costs. In this mode we don't talk much, question even less, and actually do very little. We just don't want to rock the boat. Passives have learned that it is safer not to react and better to disappear than to stand up and be noticed.

Passive-Aggressive Communication

A combination of styles, passive-aggressive avoids direct confrontation (passive), but attempts to get even through manipulation (aggressive). If you've ever thought about making that certain someone who needs to be "taught a thing or two" suffer (even just a teeny bit), you've stepped pretty close to (if not on into) the devious and sneaky world of the passive-aggressive.

So now what?

Clearly, for many reasons, the only healthy communication style is assertive communication. Surely you can identify many people in your own life that favor each of the four styles. Most of us use a combination of these four styles, depending on the person or situation. The styles we choose generally depend on what our past experiences have taught us will work best to get our needs met in each specific situation. If you take a really good look at yourself, you've probably used each throughout your lifetime.

Understanding the four basic types of communication will help you learn how to react most effectively when confronted with a difficult person. It will also help you recognize when you are using manipulative behavior to get your own needs met. Remember, you always have a choice as to which communication style you use. If you're serious about taking control of your life, practice being more assertive. It will help you diffuse anger, reduce guilt and build relationships - both personally and professionally.

Take Action!

Begin to pay attention to which communication styles you use throughout the day. How often do you use a communication style other than assertive?

Watch and identify the communication styles some of the difficult people in your life use. Can you begin to notice how others use manipulative techniques to get their way.